Good won't show its ugly face, Evil won't you take your place, nothing ever changes...by itself. - Jars of Clay

what if there are no angels?

May 18th, 2009 at 11:05 am | no comments »

I don’t know if this is poetry or what exactly, but I have been kicking it around my mind for a few months. See what you think of it, and let me know in the comments or by email (ryan at darkmatt3r dot com). Enjoy.

What if there are no angels,
wearing robes of white,
they know not high and lofty things,
they have not x-ray sight?

What if there are no angels,
no halos glowing on their heads,
no starlight shimmer in their eyes,
and no lightning ‘neath their tread?

What if there are no angels,
they have no wings to fly,
they care not for mere mortal pains,
no descending from the sky?

What if the only angel,
in the heavens or on earth,
came to be reality,
at the moment of your birth?

-Ryan Carter



re-evaluation

April 30th, 2009 at 10:04 am | no comments »

So many times, nearly hourly, I re-evaluate what I think, feel, and want. It is like a massively inopportune data refresh of everything. Sometimes I only do a contextual partial refresh based on the current frame of reference. Why? I don’t know other than to say that this constant refresh is how I’m wired. Most days I feel more computer and less human. The language and ethos of a computer I understand, human thought, I don’t.

So many things are being crammed into my cranium lately. Once again I am learning that not all I knew is really what I know. Things are never as they seem, and as I keep this in mind, it isn’t that big a surprise. Life is a strange animal. You continue in one way, and it all turns around on you in both good and bad ways. Consequences and unintended blessings. Things are completely backwards, and as soon as you think you know backwards, that is all wrong. Despite all the mayhem, I still feel good, I remain faithful in what I know to be true, regardless of the outcome. Outcome can mean pain, lots of it, but is doing the right thing, following the path I was meant to, to choose to be held to a higher calling, is it worth the anguish? I just have to feel that all of life is headed somewhere, that it is worth something, and that I will discover these things on the way to wherever.



a tattooed heart

March 5th, 2009 at 11:03 am | no comments »

I don’t care what you think about tattoos. Are they evil? Who cares, will tattooed people go to hell? Sure, but that has nothing to do with their ink. It doesn’t matter in the scope of things. If you laser in on the meaning of life, and spend your life looking for it, you will find it, if you have a tattooed heart.

Don’t “huh” me. I’m going to explain what I mean, don’t worry. Having a tattooed heart is painful, earth-shattering, life-altering. It almost makes you feel sick at times. See why I consider it a good metaphor? Having a tatooed heart is a permanent thing, indellible, forever. The kind of thing that will remain if you heart was removed from your chest, and it many cases it is contagious and genetic. What I mean is that when something finds its way into your core, your soul, and you can’t and don’t want to let go of it, as if driven by some external force, a passion so deep, dark, and dangerous that you can’t let it go, you can’t sleep, and you can’t shake it, then your heart is tattooed forever.

My heart is tattooed, or at least in the process of being tattooed. This love has gripped me, held me down, and is rocking my world. When you study your hand and you see the lines, veins, sinews, what you imagine what lies beneath the skin, the elements you’re made of, and all the beauty that is your design, and you realize what your veins were made to carry, what your heart was meant to pump, your heart is tattooed.



even worse than shattered dreams

March 4th, 2009 at 04:03 pm | no comments »

So many yammer on about their shattered dreams, as if that is the only shot they have. Who said? There are entire portions of the people on this globe who give up on their dream because they hit a road block. A veritable litany of crushed dreamers waiting for their ship that will never come. This is deception of a vision, the bait and switch of a life-altering ideal. While you sit around moping about your broken dream, life is laughing. It sits there howling in laughter at you, because little did you know, the shattering you’ve just had is only the first test of how much you mean it. It is the litmus of your passion, resolve, passion, heart, tenacity, and oh, did I mention passion? Life wants you to bring it, and instead you buy a latte and sulk. Those who find themselves in their dream one day stand up, slowly draw their sword, and then without a sound slaughter everything in their way. This is part of why men (especially) like violent things. For women, sex is more of the display of passion they identify with. Ravaging love is the passion you need to fuel your dream.

Tangent #1: Violence.

I don’t condone violence or rash behavior, but in movies, TV shows, etc. it is a metaphor for the passion that lives deep within. The internal ruthlessness you need to win in life. Not against enemies or competitors, but against your own demons. Everyone has a nagging thought on their mind, all the time. They won’t admit it, but it is there, haunting you. You can give it bread, or murder it in coldblooded way it entered your mind. Do not let go of your dream. You need the kind of heart that says, as soon as they pry my dead fingers from the handle, I will grab it with the other hand. That is passion. That’s what is required to change the world, and changing the world is what I want to do. That’s the business I’m in.

Tangent #2: Dreamscapes.

Whatever your dream is, you need passion equally, but look at your life, and see what a pathetic waste it has been, for this disillusionment is the only way to see a way out of your glass bubble. Once you decide that what you are now isn’t right, you can start to look for redifintion, a way to hope for a better you in the future. What I want to dream about, what I should align my life with, who I want to be is a reflection of the ultimate hero, who saved me. I want his agenda for the world, I work for a non-evil genius who has over-creativity issues and loves everything no matter what. He is a perfectionist but will overlook that when a family member vouches for and takes responsibility for imperfect people. My point here is that God could be dubbed neurotic by us finite dumb humans. The word is limitless and completely unimaginable. I know, 4 words. Don’t ever think that you know what God had for you. You will never know. If you have an idea, that is what you are looking for, but his plan is so far beyond your idea. He boils it way down and gives us the basic theme, a thread in the grand tapestry of us. You find the rope, and hold on, the rest to follow is a wild ride. Just don’t let go.

Tangent #3: A Dream without a home.

The worst thing you can do with a passion and a vision is to not even fight for it.  It is even worse than shattered dreams. To be so depressed, so beaten down, so mangled and maligned that you can’t stand up straight. I know the feeling. I’ve been down there many times, and all I would say is this…rest in Him, and use that pain, that burden to fuel your inner fire. I know where you are, I’ve been there too at times. Honestly, I am more familiar with being beaten down than you might think.

You are in a unique position. Many times, those who were furthest down shine the brightest when they hit the surface because they have had to shine their light and sing their song in a dark cage. Remember this, you are the child of a father who will never let you die in the pit. NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER!!! HE…WILL…NOT…LET…GO…OF…YOU. Fight through the pain, and the sun will take a while, but it will shine again. It always does. Just because you don’t see it right now, does not mean it isn’t shining. The worst thing is a dream not fought for, a passion laid to rot, wasting away on the funeral pyre of unwant. Even if you can’t dream or don’t dare to, your father has a wild dream for you anyway. He will carry you when you need it. Stand up.



Welcome to the world. Don’t hit your…head. Nevermind.

February 4th, 2009 at 04:02 pm | no comments »

I was surfing around recently and found a very rosy and uplifting looking site. Some kind of new-agey deal where we are all one, we are all energy, and we have some loving, caring and mystical connection with the ancients who built the stargates, and yada yada. It is usual fare for many of the modern day, sometimes environmental religions, or belief systems, or whatever you want to call it. As you may be able to tell, I have a problem with that. It isn’t that any of it sounds bad, but that is the problem.

Any religion, belief or idea that does not have a deep, solid, hardcore, take-it-to-the-bank approach to dealing with all the suffering and pain in the world and ignores it out-of-hand such as this site I saw, is dead wrong and completely missing it. This type of feel-goodery that does nothing to explain the human condition and some how offer a way to save it, isn’t worth milk money. The answer is not something where we cleanse our auras in a candle lit and incense filled room, and trancify ourselves until we forget our troubles and feel safer and more peaceful while the world goes to hell.

Christians also act like there is nothing wrong. We live inside the little comfortable white fence we’ve built and carefully kept painted. We value a beautiful song, we love a warmly written book, but we think nothing of the brutality with which Christ was killed. We don’t see the despair that lives next to us, we do nothing to reach outside our own little sphere at all. We somehow think the problems in the world will take care of themselves, and we just have to dutifully do our little jobs and wait for Jesus to come back.

May I posit? Ha, my favorite question. What? I have complex thoughts, I can’t help it. What if Jesus isn’t coming back? He may not until the world hears the gospel. I’m not saying get out and preach. You can, which would be cool, but why aren’t we aware of the world’s wounds? Why aren’t we the first people out on the street in the cold dark with bandaids and a friggin bonfire. You can’t light up the darkness while you’re in the light. You have to leave the peace and comfort of your favorite complacency. You HAVE TO. You have to go where no one you know would dare to go. We claim to be in the world, but largely we just are in our OWN world, not the real world where people are. There is some serious pain, bondage, and suffering going on in our world. The hurting do not attend church potlucks. The suffering souls that scream in agony while they sleep haunt only the heavens. They never reach our ears, because we are far off, not listening, not running toward the carnage, hunting down the aftermath.

There is a war going on, and yes, we have a magic bubble all around us that keeps us safe from the shrapnel, but the other people don’t they are getting cut down by the sin, madness, and evil that is ravaging the lost. You may look into the eyes of lost people every day and never know it. Not all who are lost wander. Many of them cover it, and are good at it. Many would deny it openly. Many would laugh at you for thinking so. The deep dark secret is that everyone is dying. Every day we are all dying a little more. We are on this endless countdown to zero day. Death will come, but more often than not, it occurs in the heart, long before the body stops breathing. There is no life in people walking around, they don’t know what life is about and have even stopped caring about that.The pain is numbing, blinding, and we all cope with it somehow (usually destructively) and pretend nothing is going on.

All this doom and gloom, I know. Sorry, I usually only talk like this on mondays. My point here is that there is an answer, of course. The sad part is that we already know and enjoy it. We have the key to beating back hell. We don’t really fully get that I think. The problem is that we are so disconnected from the true heart of God, the real reason he came. We don’t know what God’s heart is like, what he feels, how much he cares. We are so busy trying to earn the grace we already have, which is a deception and an epidemic that must end. We can’t earn God’s favor. We already have it. Now that we do, we need to share the fact that it is available with the world. They don’t know it or feel it, and they may not want it either. There will come a point in their lives where they don’t know where to turn, for many people this happens daily.

My thought is that if we as Christians were in a relationship with all these people we despise and are repulsed by, and they needed someone to turn to, you might be the one. Just by praying or something. That way, when life happens to them, you can offer acceptance, love, and unconditional friendship, which is different, amazing and will rock their world as they quiz you about where your hope comes from. That is the flash point when heaven crashes to earth and the truth becomes plain as day. It is our job to be in the place we need to be to show up at divine times when the world is falling down. It isn’t like we need to wait for the world to fall down to have a message. It already is, and we have the answer. Don’t bottle it up. This is why Christ is the only way to God, safety, peace and eternal life. He answers pain, suffering, and anguish, not just ignores it, and we shouldn’t either. Seek out pain, find the hurting, and help them. It isn’t hard, and they aren’t that far away. We were made to be heroes, angel, sons of God on earth. What if we were the only angels God sent to this planet? We aren’t, but we should act like it.



It’s so dreadful being dead

February 3rd, 2009 at 01:02 pm | no comments »

The living are now making pre-arrangements to get botox, and other beautifications AFTER they are dead. Please explain to me the point of this. Once I am dead, and unless there is a made-for-TV sci-fi movie or show with campy dialog made of my life, I don’t care what happens to me. I care what happens to those I leave behind, but come on. Botox? I couldn’t care less if I have botox, anthrax, or cheese and crackers in the casket with me. I will be remembered for what I do here, for how I live, and no one will care what I looked like. People forget a face. They don’t forget an idea, a vision, a passion. That is what I want to be remembered for.

If you think about it, we are all dead. It is just a matter of time. In God’s eyes, we are all bagged and tagged. He knows the end, and can see what will happen, but it is our finite definable view of time that is finite and incomplete. The eternity of heaven far out-reaches our meager brevity. If you were right now dead, and had one chance to affect the world you will quickly leave behind, what one thing would you do? What is that important that it would take center stage for your final concert?

Most people when asked the question “what if you only had six months to live” would say they would do things they’ve never done before, live the life, get out of town, bungee jump, whatever. The truth is that most people would largely do what they have always done. Maybe they would be sure to say goodbye, they would call their long lost son and apologize, but other than that, we wouldn’t change.

The key to becoming who you want to be is deciding what matters, writing it down if you need to, and focusing on how to do those things, with small, almost unnoticable steps every day. Let’s say reading is important, doing it 2 hours every night is great, but you can’t just flip a switch and do it most times. Some people can do that. Most of us need to ease into it, and get used to it, so even reading 10 or 15 minutes will start the snowball rolling downhill.

My goal in life is to be sure that my funeral isn’t about the eulogy, casket, body, or the food served at the wake. My death will mean that my work on earth is simply over. I want my life to be important because what I leave behind in other people. My legacy, my memory, I hope will never die because of the imprint it has had on the world is indelible. I hope to further an idea, one that is timeless, and cannot be killed nor corrupted, because ideas change the world. People who use good ideas change the world too.

If you attend my funeral, hopefully many years from now, do me a favor. Mourn my loss for the good now gone from the world, celebrate for me and where I’ll be, and by all means look at what I did while here, and do the same. My life means nothing if it doesn’t touch another. Yours doesn’t either.

One more thing. When you die, there is no red carpet, only a dark tunnel, so don’t try to fix your makeup or perk up your boobs. The tunnel isn’t going to care what you look like. Heath Ledger is remembered for his finest work, not how perfect his hair or teeth looked. He was playing the role of a psychopath at that.



this raging peace: the struggle to not let it take me

January 23rd, 2009 at 12:01 pm | no comments »

Most of us will never know absolute silence. Our world is so filled with essential noise that we can only hope for relative silence, meaning nearer 30 decibels and farther from 100 decibels. In general, most of us are afraid of the dangerous things, like silence, darkness, tornadoes, lightning.

First, who cares? We have no need for silence, right? I disagree. It is in the chaos of pain, suffering, and danger that people most often call on God to save them from the carnage of evil and things bigger than their control. I dare say those chaotic things are ALWAYS capable of making us look at God. We just tune them out. iPods are not bad things, but too often we use them and other things to shield us from feeling laid bare before a fiery and consuming God. We don’t want to know that he has seen our innards and knows the color therein. Newsflash for the funny, he already knows. He built the jazz, salright?

We are so busy, and there is the problem. The tyranny of the urgent and the subtlety of the social acceptability to be self-involved and busy robs us of the greatest gift in life. God has so much for us if we would learn to turn off the world, stand still, and shut up. Yeah, yeah, everyone always says God has stuff for us if we listen, if we tune out everything, if we take the time. What is it God has for us if we do? No one ever covers that part. Well, that is partly because God is keeping secrets. He wants you to want it. He doesn’t just hand over the good stuff to some “driving big-brother’s car” jerk who will decide to defile it with a single act of careless condescension. God hides the fun behind flimsy doors for us to find, to enjoy, to outpour.

What am I talking about? Well, that is generally a good and unanswerable question. In this case, I am talking about the unsurpassed majesty and glory of God, lying in wait to overwhelm us with awesome when we pay attention. What we often forget about being God’s kids is that it is not about us. Yes, we were important to die for, God made it clear how important we were to him, but that is all said and done. He has done all this in the hopes that we will find it in our hearts to love him back. Just like it says in Song of Solomon 2:10 (mouse over to read it). “Come away with me.” I know that God wasn’t saying this exactly to us, but the whole love story in SoS is a shadow of his love for the church, which is us. In a round about way, it applies. Scripture elsewhere supports the fact that God loves us this way.

Let’s analyze that. “Come away” implies that there is something to come away from. May I posit: all the noise, all the life that happens, the busy-ness. Why? Come away because he WANTS US TO FOCUS ON HIM, he wants to be THE CENTRAL POINT in our lives. Note: Not sorry for caps, I’m making a point here. I am digitally yelling, so it is important! God is looking at us like a lover with a shy smile, gently coaxing us to accept the offer to join him in a romantic and intimate excursion to deep places no one else will ever find.

This is where the silence comes in (that’s ironic, silence is the abscense of noise, not the presence of it, oh well). This is where darkness plays a role, lightning, thunder, earthquakes, tornados. If we put a side the noise and hustle bustle of the moment and just be silent, we will find the peace that washes over us. We will find that the Lord is good. Good is a loaded term here. To me, it means I enjoy the intimate relationship I have with God when I “come away.” Anyone married and in love can tell you what I mean, but I think you know.

The scary things are essential, darkness for example. I find God more in the darkness than in the light. Darkness is where faith springs to life. When you lose your sight, something you depend on for everything, you will be unnerved. Darkness is freaky, creepy, uncertain. When I feel vulnerable and unsafe in the dark, I find that I realize how dangerous and wild God is. He made the darkness, and said it was good. To me, it is good because I can lose my dependency on myself and learn to fall into his waiting arms.

If we can be kept away from the silence, we can be kept from deeper connection with God. In silence and darkness we learn who we are really, something we hide from in the light. Don’t deny the glory and power of your God, don’t deny him the love you have. Don’t be afraid, to him it was all about you, so don’t be afraid to make your life all about him. He’s worth it, he’s the only thing worth doing on this planet. I wish I could explain the relationship I am trying to cultivate. I can’t, so you’ll to find out yourself. I have barely begun to listen, barely started to understand, and already I am head over heels. I hope you will find the same thing I have begun to uncover. So say we all.



this is a data dump, not poetry

January 22nd, 2009 at 05:01 pm | no comments »

That sounds like a song from Anberlin or Underoath. I know, yet again I am commenting on the title, instead of starting the post.

So, this blog is more of a data dump, meaning I will write down whatever seemingly unrelated thoughts occupy my head. I just want you to know that I am not going to put a lot of emphasis on congruency. You might find that I switch subjects more than politicians, but that’s okay. I am not trying to not lie to people. I don’t have an image to uphold in front of the nation, at least not yet. I am not trying to make money on this blog, it is just raw, unadulterated me in condensed though unabridged form. I’m thinking that today I like un- words.

I gotta try this code plugin, to see if it is worth the whopping $0.00 I paid for it, here goes:

<?php echo 'Hello World!'; ?>

Hey, it is roxor! I’ve never been able to find a simple easy code plugin, but now there are many good ones. Well, the whole process of testing this pugin (the code one above, for the uninitiated (’nother un- word), has worn down any resolve I had to write something else. More l8r.



darkmatt3r: things we don’t understand

January 22nd, 2009 at 10:01 am | no comments »

Enigma is the mystery of the unknown. This is my blog, and I am enigmatic. I tend to not write down much of what I think, much of the strange and wonderful things that enter my head. There is some profound thought, some light-hearted humor, some dark musings, reality deeper than you wanted to go. This is for fun, for expression. So much of my life is bound up in precision and work. Most of my free time I spend working to help others from the covert confines of my house. While this isn’t bad, I do need more balance, more fun, more stress-relieving activities.

I do think that I may have some sort of high-functioning learning problem or something. I seem to thrive on the right kind of overload, but can’t handle other types. I take in so much information, and it never gets out. That is part of the point of this blog. That’s me too. Everything must have a point. Everything is going somewhere. Momentum is easier to start than you think. To not realize each action you take has a reaction of sometimes inertial in nature, do it enough, you may end up somewhere you never intended. This has been me of late. For the past years since my clean break with my former life, I haven’t had a plan for my life. Regrettably I just assumed it would happen on its own. Well, truthfully life does happen on its own, but I expected it to play out the way I wanted. Not knowing what I wanted is the problem. I was aiming at nothing, and I have been 100% successful at hitting it. Not anymore.

Since October, and because of our accidental collision with the Dave Ramsey classes “Financial Peace University” our lives are suddenly and drastically different. Bills are paid, our emergency fund is growing, worry is gone, hope is alive, and Maureen and I have no more money fights and problems we had to work together through. We are on the offensive, and are on track to pay off all our non-student loan debt by the end of the year. I can’t imagine being completely debt free and unconcerned about my credit score but I am starting to get a sense of how amazing that would be.

I have several things in the mental hopper. Okay, I always do, but I guess I mean specifically big things. I am thinking about writing children’s books though not sure how to do it yet. Also, I have this huge message inside me that I want to get out to the world, mostly to Christians. It is something God has put in my heart and I don’t know how to communicate it just yet. I’ll figure it out as I read more, research more, learn more, and whatever else I can do to further my understanding. I am trying to develop a social network to provide vital central services and connections for those in the line of work I want to be in (unofficially). I believe that the highest calling we can attain here on earth is to help someone else in whatever way possible. To me, charity is not an activity to be done once in a while. Charity is a relentless passion, a way of life. To meet the needs of an other, we need to remember that pain never sleeps, hunger doesn’t take a vacation, and suffering is unending. So should our commitment to stopping it be. Too often we all stop short of doing enough good. This is the essence of the message I have for the world, for those who consider themselves “good” people.

Some how, my blog posts never end up short. I imagine it has something to do with the way I think. It isn’t in little spurts and blurbs. It is one long continuous stream of thought, unending and ruthless in its data production. I think I weird people out with it. At this point, not having many friends who have the time to get together or do something meaningful, I guess it really doesn’t matter what people think or their reaction to me. It doesn’t have much bearing on what goes on in my life. In a way I wish it did, but I’ll take what I can get.

I think it is funny to say someone “struggles with” something, when it is clear that this is merely a nice-person’s way of labeling a topic they don’t care to address directly. Most of the time, it is clear that the problem exists, is not being fixed, and will remain so until someone steps up. I have a weight problem. See, isn’t that better, all out in the open? It is curious that everyone who sees me on the street or knows me from somewhere thinks they know why I have weight problems. They don’t. People are so quick to assume things about other people, and yet, seeing the problem, they don’t care enough to come alongside you and ask if you are okay or if they can help you in life. Everyone is too busy, too much. I have the right to complain about it, because I never turn down an invitation to be social unless I am already doing something that day and time, which is never. I am available for comment, for friendship, and no one wants to chat on Facebook even. I mean, on there, my ugliness is hidden from view, you can’t see my grotesque figure, so what is it? I still have had no one step up to the microphone and explain to me why I am so unrelatable.

This has led to the belief that I am outside the system, a clockwork anomaly, something that anyone plugged in can’t possibly understand. All this time thinking I was supposed to fit in with everyone else. Thinking I was a octoganal peg in a triangular hole, but the truth is I am not a peg at all. I am the new hole. I am something completely different. I have a feeling I am some sort of catalyser, an agent that through it all will remain unchanged but rewrite the world’s code, and make new leaves in spring look like old movies compared to the comparative majesty that can be a result of my life. Not that I am special, but I am a conduit for greater ones than I. I am merely a channel, an open willing path of glory, that when I lay down my agenda, and let an almighty power bring kindness to the world through my hands and feet. It is nearly humiliating that God would use someone like me to be kind to those he can’t touch in physical form himself.