where warped light and dark stuff meet for coffee

My blog — just like my life — is devoid of people. For some reason I am completely repulsive to everyone I know, or they are all too busy and we don’t live in the same world. The one I know is not what you would call normal. Through this whole process, buying a house, I have felt nothing but alone and lost. Not that it is so tough to figure out what to do, how to proceed, but that I don’t have the trusted friend looking over my shoulder, saying “yeah, that looks right, go for it.” I don’t trust the ways of time, the cadence of life. I don’t trust the wind, except to blow things the way I don’t expect. I guess this is the solace of uncertainty. The harsh winds may just as well blow something incredible as something terrible my way. This is where trust in one God works, he is much like the wind in our estimation. He does what he wills with seemingly no timely apparent reason. What is he blowing and where? What is he up to?

Many times I feel as though I push God away from me because I don’t like the me he has to put up with and I don’t enjoy myself, I don’t like myself, and so I don’t force the wonderful reality I am on him, he does not deserve it. That is the trouble though, because like me or not, he wants me, for some reason. How often I compare the way my son acts towards me to the way I act toward God. My son does a better job of it. I only hope that I can hold back the tide of all the things of me I don’t want to embed onto him because my own issues.

Regardless of God’s involvement, I have almost completely lost faith in people. Even those closest have decided that I am not worth their time, love, or respect. Only so much reaching out can be done, only so much longer for companionship, friendship, and common ground can be handled. After a while, you begin to never hope for meaningful relationships again. Is the choice to do what’s right worth the price?

Why is everyone so damn busy? I am busier than most people, yet I always find time for a brother, a friend, a child. Isn’t the problem that we mask our self-focused mindset with the fact that we are busy? If I mattered to you, you would find it in your heart to be slightly less busy to simply get together now and again. The truth is that we all don’t care. Everyone except me that is. I care, way too much about people. So much so that I let everyone take advantage of me, because I want to make someone’s life better. It is about time someone returned the favor.

This is what drives the compassionate to cynicism and darkness. This is what makes the open-minded willing souls into the locked-down and guarded. The loneliness imposed by uncaring people on the tender-hearted is what kills the vivd color in life, the vibrance in every day. What would it take to notice me?

So life is getting interesting in a good way. I got promoted. We are going to be able to buy a house all of the sudden. Stuff is looking up finally. It feels like a long tunnel with that ever taunting light beckoning us to try, to fail, to get up and keep going, and now we are nearing the end of the tunnel. We’re greeting the light with smiles and delight, as the light shines back on us with warmth and indomitable glow. It is amazing where life takes you, and even though you sometimes don’t plan to make the stops and fall in the holes you do, it is all worth it somehow. I would have never said that during this whole long fight we’ve had, but hindsight is good for more than just making sure what you’re wearing doesn’t make the object in your hindsight closer than it should appear. Life is getting kinda exciting for me, for once.