where warped light and dark stuff meet for coffee

So I am coming out today. I care about people. I care about the rest of the world. I guess I don’t write here very much because I don’t like to share my personal life, I feel like I have much to say. Well, today I do. There comes a point in your life, okay, fine, more like in my life when I just can’t take it anymore. I want to change the world. Not just a rally I went to that fired me up. This is the core of who I am, if you could tear me apart and try to understand the sinew that holds me together, this is it. I was made for strange and mysterious things. 

Normally I don’t let this side of me bleed into my “online persona.” Today, that dies. I don’t care anymore. Criticize if you like, I don’t care. You shouldn’t care either.

That’s right, I care about AIDS victims, hungry children, suicide, cutting, depression, hopelessness, even strippers stuck in a “job” that makes them feel like the people who abused them as kids were right, that they are worthless. I am sick of acting like I don’t care. I am sick of everyone in this blue and green world ignoring the painful truth. I won’t put up with the ideology that my biggest goal this year is how big a crisp TV I can afford. To tell you the truth, I couldn’t care less. If I ever get a TV by some weird fluke, fine, I’m not fundamentally opposed to the technology, but I am opposed to that even being something I lose one hour of sleep over. You can take all the post modern consumerism and ad-mongering and shove it. I want to change the world. 

I identify with heroes. Not in a ZOMG,-I-so-need-a-cape-to-wear-at-work-because-I-am-still-5-and-have-a-hero-fetish way, but in who they are and why they save the world. Powers, bah, who cares. The point is they step in and stop evil, give people hope, and fight for the good left in the world. The real truth about heroes is not that they are extraordinary, but that they chucked their clicker and decided to start a fight. They stepped up, stepped out and got fed up. It is the courage of heart that makes them take a step forward when everyone else takes a step back. It is that edging-on-insane passion and solemn decision that the world isn’t right, and there is something to do about it. Dirty hands don’t concern the hero, they welcome it. The petty things fall blindly by the wayside. This is the mind of the hardcore soul. 

Are heroes perfect, no. Do they fall, yes. A lot farther than most. They feel pain, get burned, and it doesn’t feel good. Generally, if you stick your neck out, you will usually find a host of those willing to chop your head off, but it is merely an occupational hazard. Take that OSHA!

So, from this day onward, and in the past few months, I will not stop until I change the world. This oath I pledge to myself. The world is too messed up for the good people to sit still. I challenge you, break something, wreck something, destroy something that isn’t right in this world. Hunger, poverty, pain, anger, death, something. 

I don’t got game or anything else. I don’t have any of what it takes to be today’s <insert favorite hero here>. I am just a guy with a heart, a head, hands, and a vision. Enough is enough. Join me.

Yes. I believe in truth, I fight for ideals, I don’t let go of what matters to me. I want to change the world. I want to eliminate suffering, hunger, oppression, and shade the sky a different color. But not today. Sometimes I get tired of daily fighting the urge to give up. I am tired of trying harder when most of the world is rewarded for slacking. I am tired of every day waking up and fighting pain, trying to stay healthy, and working on something that isn’t who I am. That is always my problem. At work, I feel good because I am making money for my family to live well, but I am miserable because I am not doing what I was made for in the world. There is no worse torture than being mostly alone in your thoughts, unable or unwilling to share them with anyone, with a lot of headspace and time to mull them over. I have stopped panting, waiting for the exciting moment to be able to share the complex structures in my head, no one wants to hear them. I am on the wrong wavelength. Every attempt at data output simply doesn’t work. It comes when I am trying to work, and I don’t have the time to stop and jot it down, or the people in my life just don’t grasp what I am taking about, ever. I get about 10 seconds before they are overwhelmed. I turn off the part of me that feels, because feeling always equals pain. Ignored, misunderstood, and lonely is what most days are for me.

My dreams slowly die by the light of day for lack of audience, attention, and execution. They fade into the noise of the conciousness I must occupy. There is no more silence in my mind. It is all chaos and futile meandering. Everything moves too slow. I feel like lightning in a jar. It needs out, it needs feet and this monster in me needs to walk around and get it’s bearings. Someone help with this lid, please?

So I’ve told you about new beginnings. It gets better. This gig I just landed is the best gig eva! There are so many pluses, new furniture, my own office, dual monitors, a decent PC and network to use, and a comfortable environment in which to work. The respect is here like I have never had. If I can help it, I will never leave. The people are fun and diverse, and I feel like this place allows the kind of independence that is really essential for me personally to be able to do the job well. When you have brilliant or even semi-brilliant people, get out of the way and let them do their job. I don’t ask for much in a company. It is simple, show me a little respect, and that is what you will get back. I haven’t spent these several years of my life to learn all the stuff that makes me an asset to your company because I could go work at 7-eleven. Give me some flipping credit, ok? Well, I have finally found a place that does have respect for the skills. I respect the crud out of them. Undying loyalty and hard work is what they will get back. It only makes a load of sense.

Businesses, listen up. If you treat your people, especially developers, technical people, etc like we’re children, why would we want to work for you? As my last workplace learned, if you treat IT/dev people badly, there are plenty of other jobs better than you out there.

I am extremely greatful that I landed here. The second I got offered the job, I shut off my Monster Resume, and don’t plan on looking again for a very long time. Forever even if it comes to that. Time is starting to fly by at work for me again, something I look forward to, and haven’t had in ages. Ahhhhh, a whole truck load of fresh air just waltzed into my every-day life. It kinda makes the traffic not quite so bad.

A 45 minute drive twice a day. You wouldn’t think, but a welcome change to the dark climate in my life of late. For the past 9 months, I have been in a near-continual state of depression, weary, breathing heavily, and not enjoying life. All of that is over. Part of life is not only being in the wrong place, and making a change, but also holding on for dear life until the sun shines again.

Today (and yesterday) everything is different. I can breathe in fresh air again. I don’t even remember what that feels like, or when I last knew how amazing it feels. It changes everything. The place I’m in today is so different, and I couldn’t have engineered it any better if I tried. This is all the work of one whose ways I cannot comprehend.

A little respect, a little courtesy and thoughtfulness from someone else is all it takes. I started a new job yesterday, and I have never had such an incredible first day at such an amazing, but unassuming place before. If most days can be expected to go somewhat like the first day, I will never leave here as my place of employment if I can help it. A little respect and uncommon consideration, and I will pledge my undying loyalty.

Its the money, the environment, the work, the people, the new everything, the office, the benefits, the perks, even the furniture, everything is perfect for me. I am truly thankful for what I have now, it is light years better and different than what I went through before. I am excited to come to work in the morning and see what I can accomplish. Wow. Weird.

Pastor was talking about how men are not involved in church, and that there are reasons. While I agree, I started to wonder why and I think that the problem is systemic and much deeper than just church and what is provided.

Men are not only not interested in church, they are in general bored, lonely, fatigued, complacent, and sedantary. Again this begs the biggest question, why? It comes down to motivation. Why do men do anything? Usually, we do what we have to because we are afraid of the consequences. This is why we work, why we do what we do. This is also why corporate America tries to control men by using fear tactics. I, as a man, allow someone else to have authority over me because I have to, in this way I fulfill the divine directive to provide for my family. Is fear, intimidation, and threats a good motivation? When that’s all there is, sure it works for a while, but there is a much better one that is all but lost on today’s society.

It has many names, but the basic idea is that of conquest, adventure, thrill, risk, a challenge. This is why so many men will call in sick to go hunting, fishing, mountain biking, skiing, scuba diving, etc. Men NEEEEEED a calling out from the pack, to go above and beyond, and the cause MUST be something worth dying for. A company’s bottom line isn’t worth it. Especially one who doesn’t care one lick about the people working for it.

This leads to the crux, the end of tolerance after a while. Men cannot put up with mediocrity — if they are are being truly honest to themselves in the deepest sense — and cannot stand to be associated with a watered-down cause. Granted, in today’s culture, men put up with more and more of this, BECAUSE WE HAVE TO. Given the choice and drop-kicked out of the plane, men will turn this world shades of glory never seen before. Most of us live as though we are secret agents, who we are and what we do has nothing to do with who we are and what we do. We assume another life to “make it” and keep things running okay.

We don’t have a sense of place, we don’t belong anywhere, and we don’t consider ourselves respected, feared even, and don’t have a hope of ever reaching that status. We put up with life and die just as peacefully as we walk through the earth. Silent, motionless, sleepily yawning our way through life.

As men, we are desperately screaming inside our own heads, we want to be given a sword, a battlefield, and a maiden. We want there to be a behemoth dragon that is staring down our families, our people, and have to take it on, alone. There are dragons, but slaying them is a lost art. No one cares anymore. We have an artifical answer to every problem, and an antidote to the adventure-seeking part of us that requires little to no commitment and courage. Alcohol, drugs, TV, sports, women, cars, etc. hold our attention because they contain an element of what we want out of life.

Rage. Violence. Passion. Focus. Vision. Battle. Fear. Victory. Anger. All these can be frightening to a woman, but all are bound up in the hearts of men, all are essential, and all are good if wielded in the right way. If you ever watch any “guy” movies, you’ll see that these elements are present. The problem is that we are not IN the movies, we sit and watch.

This is why men look at porn, or have affairs. Adventure. The danger of secrets and the intrigue of the forbidden act is why.

So, the answer to the question of how men fit into church is bound up in that intrigue, that feeling of a thrill ride. Men don’t fit in church, because church isn’t adventurous, it is boring and not worth the time. There is nothing big enough, hard enough, or sinister enough going on in church that requires a man’s unique passion, talents, and skills. We only step up when we are really truly needed, when the situation is dire and a hero is absolutely required. Otherwise “why bother” is the answer. Challenge us someone, and we’ll step up to the challenge. This is why a man will quit his job, sell everything and move to another country to save lives. Because it is who he is, and hits the core of what a man is.

This thought reminds me of the song by Geoff Moore and the Distance: Only a Fool.

Charlie was a fool
Did you hear what he went and did
He quit his job, Threw it away
Gave his life to a bunch of kids
He said he was in love with Jesus
His friends didn’t understand
He could’ve had it all
He just smiled and said that he already did

He Saw The Big In The Small
He Saw The Beauty In The Call
Even When No One Else Approved
He Took The Job Only A Fool Would Do

That is the essence of what it looks like when a man finds his God-given discontent. When something stirs so deep that it disturbs the core of a man, and he can’t stand it any longer, that is when the earth shakes and world changes.

Church, work, school, wives, and friends of men, I challenge you today, challenge us. If you don’t want spectators in your pews, give us a life or death fight, engage the very center of our being in a cause that is worth the pain, blood, sweat and tears. Give us a dragon to slay. I dare you.

today marks a new chapter. the countdown to exodus will commence and destiny, fate, and worlds collide. it is with apprehension and excitement that I move on.

so the path of the one ends. everything that has a beginning has an end. the program smith has grown beyond your control. you’ve seen it in your dreams haven’t you, the door made of light? once the connection has been severed the alarm will be triggered but another connection must first be made. the key opens the lock, and only the one may enter. these are like back doors, programmer access? the code is hidden in tumbles, one position opens the lock. this door is special.

superchick has amazed me many times with catchy but heart-slicing poignant lyrics. they often change my thinking toward how I think God wants to live. Without limits, with abandon, passion and conviction.

“…it doesn’t happen to you, you happen to life” - So Bright (Stand Up) by Superchick

They’ve got it right, stand up, stop laying down, counting the days. Don’t let the nightmare take control of you. No shoulda, woulda, coulda. Live your dreams. The piercing question I have to ask myself hearing this as I hope you do too is, what is holding me back, and how can I destroy it.

Right now the church is living backwards. We are, it is true. We care more about what people think than what God says. Frankly I’m sick of it. I have myself spent too long being okay with going to church and doing my religious duty of looking half-way with-it. If that’s what you want, religion, you’ll find it in churches of all kinds these days. Very few people realize that the “christian” way of living is also just a fake facade to hide behind. We are all afraid to live out loud, to be about something bigger than we are. We are sitting still and liking it. Entertained and unmoving, uncaring and unnoticed.

I am going to start happening to life, what about you?

So many people are looking forward to heaven, and singing about how all they want to do is go home. I’m sorry my friends, but I DO NOT want to go home, at least not yet. Do you know how many people there are on this planet that need help, that God loves? Do you how much work there is to do? So many in ministry shock me with their lack of enthusiasm for what they are doing. Doing eternal work is “just another day” to them as well. I understand burnout, but cmon, someone has to be thrilled that they have reached that living from who God made you place.

When the time comes, I hope that I am living in such a way that God has to rip me from the earth, because I am way too involved trying to do his will and help his people here. When it is time, I will excited to go home for good, but we only have a limited time offer to shine. Let’s make it hot.

Destiny is a slow revival. It is evolution, not revolution. Every day what you do turns into what you will be tomorrow. Like 1000 small course corrections in the space shuttle, or even when playing a video game, running straight won’t do the trick, you’ve got to keep adjusting to hit your target down the “road.”

Some changes are big ones that take you to another dimension all together. Sometimes a disruption of the entire time line is warranted. This is like shifting into another gear, where much slower, or much faster, or slightly faster is perfect.

Where are you headed today?

Well, another birthday has come and gone now. This year was fun, we did some cool things, got to take the kids to play mini-golf, went bowling with my brother. Despite the better birthday, I am still going through the thoughts of inadequacy, not knowing who I am or why I’m here. I guess I don’t feel like I am special, unique, or that each year that passes isn’t more important than the last. My life isn’t going anywhere per se. I guess I never really found the collison of who I am with the life I have now. When I moved here, all that I love simply ceased to exist. I don’t know how a life as mundane as mine would be worth celebrating. I guess life bores me. I don’t enjoy anything I have to deal with. My life isn’t terrible, it just isn’t really anything to speak of. I run the rat race. I way over-commit to help people who have no interest in me except that they can get something from me. I am tired of making money, making decisions, and not ever making progress or making a difference.

I want to reignite all the things that lay dormant, and awaken new things too. I haven’t had a break from working since my daughter was born, nearly 2 years now, and right now I am in a sort of limbo. I want life to begin, to be me and like it again. It has been so long since anything has happened in a good way.

I guess despite the seemingly unfit pity-mongering, my point is this: What am I here for? Not in just a cosmic sense, but also in a “what was meant to be in my life, what was I meant to have” way as well. It is for me that age old struggle of what is meant exactly by this abundant life we hear so much about. I think I won’t be satisfied with life until I know the answer to that question. The answer to that question will mean the end of “just another year” birthdays, and the start of, “wow, this year was amazing” birthdays. At this point, as I was last year, I just don’t know if I want to have another one, since it brings nothing but more emptiness. You wouldn’t know it from looking, but yes, I admit, I am somewhat depressed (for good reason), lonely (not for love, only friendship, especially other guys), bored (nothing exciting going on), unrealized (I am incredibly skilled, but it doesn’t matter), unappreciated (all my attempts at helping others aren’t important to them), unnoticed (how many people read this?) and pretty much sick of it.

I feel like a dark lens, made out of matter not compatible with this world. I feel I’ve been thrown into a pit of dim haze and wait for activation to turn the known world inside out, darkness becoming light, so bright it will burn away the shadows. I feel like a phoenix, yet unreborn, lying in the ashes. The fire is stirring, but how long until it ignites, how long until it destroys its old form and rises incorruptible?

I have stared out this window for a long time. Some days I see the mountains, some days I don’t, but I can’t help but feel like there is something waiting for me. A destiny all ready, waiting for me to come alive. What will that look like? Is there something I was meant to do? Even if I know what it is, how do you start to pursue it? How do you begin the process of one day finding yourself doing what you’ve always thought you are supposed to. How do you put to death the every day, and find the extraordinary? Maybe the answer lies somewhere in the crossover. By doing the every day, the mundane, it becomes extraordinary due to cumulative effect over time. Pursuing your calling is huge, earth shattering even. It can change everything, and should.

How do you put your old life behind and pick up this rough, unhewn piece of purpose? How do you do this when you have a family, financial obligations, a mortgage, etc? It shouldn’t stop you and it can be done, but my question is how?

I less than three technology obviously. My favorite subset of tech is programming. At one point long ago I thought I would never have the aptitude or chops to program, and now it is what I am good at, and what I do for a living.

With any sort of milestone, I find it to be a time of reflection, way too much introspection, uncertainty, and also partial excitement about the new year I’ll have to change things. Technology is no different. This year, it will be year of the rockstar, meaning I am not going to hold back on anything, and most noteably, anything I want to do.

Most of life, I have suppressed who I am and focused on what other people need. Not that I pride myself on being selfless, far from it, but most of my waking moments, thoughts, and actions are based on what is best for everyone involved. Everyone else’s needs are important, especially for anyone in ministry, wanting to do ministry, or simply “doing the right thing.” My problem however is that I am too much of an extremist when it comes to taking on responsibility, and helping others that I often don’t take care of me at all.

Well, consequently, that is what I am going to spend more time on this year. Me, enjoying whatever it is I enjoy. Most of that will include learning new programming languages. Here are the ones I know with relative fluency:

• PHP
• XHTML/HTML
• CSS
• Javascript
• MySQL
• MS SQL

Here are the langauges and technologies I want to learn and will be focusing on this year:

• XSLT/XPath (I know some)
• ColdFusion
• C#.net
• JQuery
• CakePHP
• CodeIgniter
• Ruby and/or RubyOnRails
• Flash
• Adobe Flex

Why would I want to know this stuff? Isn’t what I know enough to get the job done? Well, yes, but I am an enthusiast about technology and programming, so consider this just following a passion, pursuing a dream. Granted, for me this is a small dream, a side-note, nothing big. Bigger things will come.

Much of life is learning to overcome your weaknesses and learning to outdo yourself. In the process you find that you know more and less than you thought.

Among the other things I want to learn this year, Quantum Theory has always fascinated me. I hope to learn more of that as well. There is so much we don’t yet know about the building blocks of our existence. I like finding out that all of us dumb humans, and even the smart ones keep being flabbergasted by the extreme intelligence of our creator. Quantum Computing is equally interesting, even though it only consists of mere mimicry of the ideas behind the theory.

So raise your glass to a year of rockstar-flavored awesomeness. I am.

I was made to do big things. I am ready to do big things. I think more of life is like slow revival than epic earth-shattering events all in one day. Big things happen in small daily chunks. The secret and key to life is the often unnoticed cumulative effect of your every day choices. Stay up late every night, you will always be tired. Don’t brush your teeth, and you let it all go decay. Don’t take care of your family, and they will not stay for long, even if it means emotionally checking out but living in the same house.

God has for all of us laid out things to do, whether you believe in God or not. All of us are set in motion to be all that is good in the world. The things I am supposed to do seem exciting and scary, but also somewhat mundane. When you ask yourself “what am I on this earth for” the answer for most people will not be “I am supposed to kill people, hurt the innocent”, etc. We all have in us a base desire to do good and improve our planet.

This year (my fiscal year you might say) will be one of big things. God has stuff for me to do. It is big, huge, and daunting. My kind of challenge.

today was my last day being 25, and while everything in my life is up in the air at this point, somehow I have an odd calm and I am very strangely not worried too much. this is pretty significant if I were to discuss the things going on right now. maybe for once I am actually trusting God to handle things.

it is hard to know for sure whether this attempt on moving forward in my spiritual life is going to “take.” I keep clicking that dumb button and it never seems to stay that way. there are big things going on in my life, my heart, my world. I am scared and excited for the potential and risks that I am considering.

this festering passion welled up in me needs to get out and I want it to, but there are so many things tied to it, so much that will happen if I pursue it. I know that even now I don’t quite grasp the depth and gravity of it, but I never will until it happens. mysterious ways indeed.

so, here’s to being 26 and all that it will bring. I think this might be the year of the rockstar, the ubertasticnessed-one cometh? how’s that for your chinese calendar? I don’t think that is an animal. oh well.

My blog — just like my life — is devoid of people. For some reason I am completely repulsive to everyone I know, or they are all too busy and we don’t live in the same world. The one I know is not what you would call normal. Through this whole process, buying a house, I have felt nothing but alone and lost. Not that it is so tough to figure out what to do, how to proceed, but that I don’t have the trusted friend looking over my shoulder, saying “yeah, that looks right, go for it.” I don’t trust the ways of time, the cadence of life. I don’t trust the wind, except to blow things the way I don’t expect. I guess this is the solace of uncertainty. The harsh winds may just as well blow something incredible as something terrible my way. This is where trust in one God works, he is much like the wind in our estimation. He does what he wills with seemingly no timely apparent reason. What is he blowing and where? What is he up to?

Many times I feel as though I push God away from me because I don’t like the me he has to put up with and I don’t enjoy myself, I don’t like myself, and so I don’t force the wonderful reality I am on him, he does not deserve it. That is the trouble though, because like me or not, he wants me, for some reason. How often I compare the way my son acts towards me to the way I act toward God. My son does a better job of it. I only hope that I can hold back the tide of all the things of me I don’t want to embed onto him because my own issues.

Regardless of God’s involvement, I have almost completely lost faith in people. Even those closest have decided that I am not worth their time, love, or respect. Only so much reaching out can be done, only so much longer for companionship, friendship, and common ground can be handled. After a while, you begin to never hope for meaningful relationships again. Is the choice to do what’s right worth the price?

Why is everyone so damn busy? I am busier than most people, yet I always find time for a brother, a friend, a child. Isn’t the problem that we mask our self-focused mindset with the fact that we are busy? If I mattered to you, you would find it in your heart to be slightly less busy to simply get together now and again. The truth is that we all don’t care. Everyone except me that is. I care, way too much about people. So much so that I let everyone take advantage of me, because I want to make someone’s life better. It is about time someone returned the favor.

This is what drives the compassionate to cynicism and darkness. This is what makes the open-minded willing souls into the locked-down and guarded. The loneliness imposed by uncaring people on the tender-hearted is what kills the vivd color in life, the vibrance in every day. What would it take to notice me?