where warped light and dark stuff meet for coffee

so the path of the one ends. everything that has a beginning has an end. the program smith has grown beyond your control. you’ve seen it in your dreams haven’t you, the door made of light? once the connection has been severed the alarm will be triggered but another connection must first be made. the key opens the lock, and only the one may enter. these are like back doors, programmer access? the code is hidden in tumbles, one position opens the lock. this door is special.

I less than three technology obviously. My favorite subset of tech is programming. At one point long ago I thought I would never have the aptitude or chops to program, and now it is what I am good at, and what I do for a living.

With any sort of milestone, I find it to be a time of reflection, way too much introspection, uncertainty, and also partial excitement about the new year I’ll have to change things. Technology is no different. This year, it will be year of the rockstar, meaning I am not going to hold back on anything, and most noteably, anything I want to do.

Most of life, I have suppressed who I am and focused on what other people need. Not that I pride myself on being selfless, far from it, but most of my waking moments, thoughts, and actions are based on what is best for everyone involved. Everyone else’s needs are important, especially for anyone in ministry, wanting to do ministry, or simply “doing the right thing.” My problem however is that I am too much of an extremist when it comes to taking on responsibility, and helping others that I often don’t take care of me at all.

Well, consequently, that is what I am going to spend more time on this year. Me, enjoying whatever it is I enjoy. Most of that will include learning new programming languages. Here are the ones I know with relative fluency:

• PHP
• XHTML/HTML
• CSS
• Javascript
• MySQL
• MS SQL

Here are the langauges and technologies I want to learn and will be focusing on this year:

• XSLT/XPath (I know some)
• ColdFusion
• C#.net
• JQuery
• CakePHP
• CodeIgniter
• Ruby and/or RubyOnRails
• Flash
• Adobe Flex

Why would I want to know this stuff? Isn’t what I know enough to get the job done? Well, yes, but I am an enthusiast about technology and programming, so consider this just following a passion, pursuing a dream. Granted, for me this is a small dream, a side-note, nothing big. Bigger things will come.

Much of life is learning to overcome your weaknesses and learning to outdo yourself. In the process you find that you know more and less than you thought.

Among the other things I want to learn this year, Quantum Theory has always fascinated me. I hope to learn more of that as well. There is so much we don’t yet know about the building blocks of our existence. I like finding out that all of us dumb humans, and even the smart ones keep being flabbergasted by the extreme intelligence of our creator. Quantum Computing is equally interesting, even though it only consists of mere mimicry of the ideas behind the theory.

So raise your glass to a year of rockstar-flavored awesomeness. I am.

today was my last day being 25, and while everything in my life is up in the air at this point, somehow I have an odd calm and I am very strangely not worried too much. this is pretty significant if I were to discuss the things going on right now. maybe for once I am actually trusting God to handle things.

it is hard to know for sure whether this attempt on moving forward in my spiritual life is going to “take.” I keep clicking that dumb button and it never seems to stay that way. there are big things going on in my life, my heart, my world. I am scared and excited for the potential and risks that I am considering.

this festering passion welled up in me needs to get out and I want it to, but there are so many things tied to it, so much that will happen if I pursue it. I know that even now I don’t quite grasp the depth and gravity of it, but I never will until it happens. mysterious ways indeed.

so, here’s to being 26 and all that it will bring. I think this might be the year of the rockstar, the ubertasticnessed-one cometh? how’s that for your chinese calendar? I don’t think that is an animal. oh well.

For a myriad of reasons, I will not be celebrating my birthday this year. My birthday was the worst day of last year. It just was many of the worse things happening, many dark and not-so-happy feelings. Birthdays and point of them has always eluded me. Why celebrate? To me, life is to be lived, and while I don’t “celebrate” every day, I enjoy every day if possible. To me, celebrating that essentially, I have been alive another year isn’t at all important. It is what a year holds, what I have done with myself this year that matters. I could care less that I am older, or that I am supposedly “special” or whatever. What I get excited about is what I have learned, what I’ve done, and who I have been able to help. I guess I do celebrate birth, new life, creation, but it just doesn’t look like it, and it isn’t what you would expect.

I have always hated my birthday, I guess because I know the truth, that I am a wretched twisted mess of humanity, there is nothing good in me. Left to my self, as a friend of mine once said, “I would be killing people.” The transformation is what sparked this life being worth something. I don’t feel that I am worth the celebration on my own, which is why I don’t like to celebrate myself. My wife insists that we will have a good time this year, which is fine, but I am still not sure I want to. We’ll see.