may 23rd
Well, another birthday has come and gone now. This year was fun, we did some cool things, got to take the kids to play mini-golf, went bowling with my brother. Despite the better birthday, I am still going through the thoughts of inadequacy, not knowing who I am or why I’m here. I guess I don’t feel like I am special, unique, or that each year that passes isn’t more important than the last. My life isn’t going anywhere per se. I guess I never really found the collison of who I am with the life I have now. When I moved here, all that I love simply ceased to exist. I don’t know how a life as mundane as mine would be worth celebrating. I guess life bores me. I don’t enjoy anything I have to deal with. My life isn’t terrible, it just isn’t really anything to speak of. I run the rat race. I way over-commit to help people who have no interest in me except that they can get something from me. I am tired of making money, making decisions, and not ever making progress or making a difference.
I want to reignite all the things that lay dormant, and awaken new things too. I haven’t had a break from working since my daughter was born, nearly 2 years now, and right now I am in a sort of limbo. I want life to begin, to be me and like it again. It has been so long since anything has happened in a good way.
I guess despite the seemingly unfit pity-mongering, my point is this: What am I here for? Not in just a cosmic sense, but also in a “what was meant to be in my life, what was I meant to have” way as well. It is for me that age old struggle of what is meant exactly by this abundant life we hear so much about. I think I won’t be satisfied with life until I know the answer to that question. The answer to that question will mean the end of “just another year” birthdays, and the start of, “wow, this year was amazing” birthdays. At this point, as I was last year, I just don’t know if I want to have another one, since it brings nothing but more emptiness. You wouldn’t know it from looking, but yes, I admit, I am somewhat depressed (for good reason), lonely (not for love, only friendship, especially other guys), bored (nothing exciting going on), unrealized (I am incredibly skilled, but it doesn’t matter), unappreciated (all my attempts at helping others aren’t important to them), unnoticed (how many people read this?) and pretty much sick of it.
I feel like a dark lens, made out of matter not compatible with this world. I feel I’ve been thrown into a pit of dim haze and wait for activation to turn the known world inside out, darkness becoming light, so bright it will burn away the shadows. I feel like a phoenix, yet unreborn, lying in the ashes. The fire is stirring, but how long until it ignites, how long until it destroys its old form and rises incorruptible?
