no birthday this year
For a myriad of reasons, I will not be celebrating my birthday this year. My birthday was the worst day of last year. It just was many of the worse things happening, many dark and not-so-happy feelings. Birthdays and point of them has always eluded me. Why celebrate? To me, life is to be lived, and while I don’t “celebrate” every day, I enjoy every day if possible. To me, celebrating that essentially, I have been alive another year isn’t at all important. It is what a year holds, what I have done with myself this year that matters. I could care less that I am older, or that I am supposedly “special” or whatever. What I get excited about is what I have learned, what I’ve done, and who I have been able to help. I guess I do celebrate birth, new life, creation, but it just doesn’t look like it, and it isn’t what you would expect.
I have always hated my birthday, I guess because I know the truth, that I am a wretched twisted mess of humanity, there is nothing good in me. Left to my self, as a friend of mine once said, “I would be killing people.” The transformation is what sparked this life being worth something. I don’t feel that I am worth the celebration on my own, which is why I don’t like to celebrate myself. My wife insists that we will have a good time this year, which is fine, but I am still not sure I want to. We’ll see.
