where warped light and dark stuff meet for coffee

So life is getting interesting in a good way. I got promoted. We are going to be able to buy a house all of the sudden. Stuff is looking up finally. It feels like a long tunnel with that ever taunting light beckoning us to try, to fail, to get up and keep going, and now we are nearing the end of the tunnel. We’re greeting the light with smiles and delight, as the light shines back on us with warmth and indomitable glow. It is amazing where life takes you, and even though you sometimes don’t plan to make the stops and fall in the holes you do, it is all worth it somehow. I would have never said that during this whole long fight we’ve had, but hindsight is good for more than just making sure what you’re wearing doesn’t make the object in your hindsight closer than it should appear. Life is getting kinda exciting for me, for once.

For a myriad of reasons, I will not be celebrating my birthday this year. My birthday was the worst day of last year. It just was many of the worse things happening, many dark and not-so-happy feelings. Birthdays and point of them has always eluded me. Why celebrate? To me, life is to be lived, and while I don’t “celebrate” every day, I enjoy every day if possible. To me, celebrating that essentially, I have been alive another year isn’t at all important. It is what a year holds, what I have done with myself this year that matters. I could care less that I am older, or that I am supposedly “special” or whatever. What I get excited about is what I have learned, what I’ve done, and who I have been able to help. I guess I do celebrate birth, new life, creation, but it just doesn’t look like it, and it isn’t what you would expect.

I have always hated my birthday, I guess because I know the truth, that I am a wretched twisted mess of humanity, there is nothing good in me. Left to my self, as a friend of mine once said, “I would be killing people.” The transformation is what sparked this life being worth something. I don’t feel that I am worth the celebration on my own, which is why I don’t like to celebrate myself. My wife insists that we will have a good time this year, which is fine, but I am still not sure I want to. We’ll see.

It is funny, (no, not really) that no matter what I do, no one is happy. Everyone is disorganized and information is scattered everywhere, and when someone has a good idea for ending the madness and helping every out with a new idea, everyone throws a hissyfit. No, I guess the new ideas aren’t solicited but I figure that either way, I am an innovator, a change agent, a catalyst, a disruptor. No one likes change, I know, but when people won’t consider it even though it makes life easier? I don’t get it.

You would think at some point in life, people would in some way recognize the contribution you’re making to improve the world. So many people are content to be negative and complacent that they refuse to call the grass greener when they are just to lazy to move. This is what I live with in every area of life, the fact that us forward-march take-charge people are not appreciated or understood. It is right to feel like the only one of your kind left on earth? I can’t even explain the way I think to my wife, the closest person to me. She is very smart but still so different, it is hard to explain. All I can do is resign myself to the fact that I will never find the satisfaction I am looking for from people, and learn to stop trying I guess. What else is there to do?

Do you ever have that feeling that no one understands you? I never shake that feeling. Being a techie, and the many things that fly around in my head and end up making me who I am I can’t even begin to share with my wife, with whom I share everything. It isn’t that she is incapable of understanding it, or unwilling, it is just that it would take an entire rewrite of at least part of her operating system to see what I mean. It would also take a long time to say, like the ents. The great thing is she “gets me” when she doesn’t get me.

Why does no one else get me? As a human I feel the need to be someone to relate to, yet no one seems to be able to get a fix on me. Am I too honest, too deep, too intense, or what? I feel quiet but charismatic, friendly and funny, personable and engaging, and yet I am lonely and feel worthless to most people most days. Do I smell online? I thought that technology wasn’t out yet.

I always feel like I am too direct, too point blank, and people don’t want to deal with me on that level, but I still don’t know. I guess I would love to know if anyone understands me, or know what I mean. It’s Tuesday, guest star day here, so why don’t you tell me why you don’t get to know me?

-Ry

CHUCK is a cool show. If not for the goofy, making-fun of government agencies just a wee bit, or the calm and cool Zachary Levi playing CHUCK, you gotta love that line from Adam Baldwin (the CIA agent) who also played one of my favorite characters on Firefly and in the movie Serenity, Jayne. Part of me likes CHUCK because it seems that Jayne is in some way back from the dead.

Sure, the whole computer fixing geek-turned-CIA operative has been done and flopped, in Jake 2.0 (which I almost liked). To me, I hope that CHUCK is better done and sticks around longer than Jake 2.0, because it is a bit more believable. CHUCK seems not so “made-up-this-character -on-lunch-today, and a bit more real-life. What happens next will give us a better look into whether CHUCK (the show) lives or dies quickly, but I for one am hoping it stays around. Bionic Woman on the other hand I think is overdone and a bit cheesy, though I also like to see Katee Sackhoff kick booty too!

Here’s one Geek who is rooting for the Nerd, who might redeem the whole Nerd thing. Geeks are already cool. Mac, PC, same difference.

People are amazing things, well, people. Honestly I find our differences fascinating. I feel very sheltered from the diverse and heritage-rich societies and cultures that exist in the world. Granted, I don’t have a ton of time to commit to the sole purpose of studying people, and getting to know my global neighbors, but I would love to throughout my lifetime. There are people so much more interesting than me and I would like to know them. Especially children who are orphaned find a special place in my heart, because of their troubles in life, but also because someone needs to love them.

Call me a softie, whatever, idc, but so many people go through life not caring, and that is fine for them, not fine for me. I want to care and be a force for good in the lives of those who don’t have the strength or voice to stand up for themselves. People need other people, a fact that is sometimes hard to hold on to for me. I tend to be very self-sufficient, which is a hard habit to break. For all the social web there is these days, everyone is still hard-pressed to find friends, people to help, etc. Everyone, it seems still does not have enough time for anything but survival.

Where’s cave at? Oh, you mean the caveat? Well, I hate people as well. As my wife reminded me, people are the problems in each others lives. I hate people too when they are ignorant and arrogant. I do not hate people because of skin color, but because of attitude towards me. Respect is a mutual thing, and when it is not extended, I tend to avoid those types of people. I want relationships that are deeper than skin and meaningful, something it seems most people are unwilling to partake in.

I find myself in an ever-widening circle of twisting paradoxes, which do in fact make up the core of who I am. Paradoxes, fundamental or otherwise are what darkmatt3r is all about.

BLANK = hate, BLANK = loathe, BLANK = there is not a word for it! I thoroughly BLANK Vista. It is the worst thing to happen to computing ever. I can’t even begin to tell you why and how I BLANK it, but simply that I do, and you should to. DARK OPINION WARNING! Vista should be done away with. Why? Well, despite having any actual value, it adds so many more needless problems to Windows historical repertoire, making it a pain to use. The other Vista problem is that some hardware, such as mine is too new to be able to run with drivers on an older operating system. So I am stuck using this BLANK abomination and I BLANK it more than anything. Vehemence and loathing against an ethereal and conceptual idea wrapped in 1s and 0s in a metal and plastic machine? Yes, and don’t call me crazy, you have your days too. Vista is the “so dark con of man” if I ever saw one. Anyone up for a Vista exorcism later, oh wait, I tried that, didn’t work. Drat!

Darkmatt3r.com is all brand new! The design has been whacked, prodded, tested and gorgeousified, mostly because I, Ryan, wanted to. Yes, I know old content is missing, and I may not put it back. I might, I don’t know. Either way, everything is now reborn. Today is a new day.

I guess you could say that yesterday is gone, the shadows of the past is history, and that would be true, but it is also inaccurate. The past still haunts, the shadows still lurk of what was, they always do. Let’s just say that the new life breathed into this site coincides with new life in many areas of my life.

Why the change of the site, why the change in me? Well, I just started a new “job”, “gig”, or whatever you like to call it. I am now the proud lead blogger at DIY Life. I have thus far poured my heart and soul into this site, from an editorial standpoint, I didn’t design it or develop the backend, though I feel confident I could have, but I helped build the content. I helped shape the categories, helped bring bloggers onboard, and established the features.

Through the planning and brainstorming stage, and now that the site is live, I felt very different than any project or business endeavor has ever made me feel previous. This time there was a true sense of accomplishment, not empty and hollow as I had with past bosses. Since I don’t have a boss (besides my wife that is) in a traditional sense, it makes things easier to do. I consider this gig a nearly pressure-less assignment. I think my “superiors” at Weblogs, inc. know the secret to true die-hard “subordinate” motivation. Responsible people given a task will motivate themselves if you don’t force it on them. Most ingrained job-types consider this type of person to be a “self-starter” and I suppose I am, but more than that, someone finally after a long time has stepped and took a chance and given me the chance to take my passion as far as I want to. If that doesn’t motivate a person, what does?

In addition to the new life in my professional career, and maybe because of it, I have decided that this site, this blog, this space that occupies the net, but also my head, should be about me. So far this site has been a shaded, produced, and somewhat incomplete picture of me. I want this blog, not to mention my whole life to speak out loud about what I am about. Who I am as a person and why I know I am on earth, and what I am doing about it.

You could call it an epiphany I guess, but to me, it is just hitting reset and trying to chase down those demons with a fresh set of batteries. This space is for no other reason than to help me be me. I guess I really don’t care if anyone ever reads this, but at least there is an outlet for me to be honest with myself and the world about me.

With that, darkmatt3r is reborn, and in a way so am I.